Nala’s whisper

Its 10PM and it seems like its already 4AM. I missed lots of things today maybe because I am so staring at my PC today.

Did I ever smile?

Did I ever blink?

Oh my, I forgot to drink.

(That’s a poem right there..my all focused afternoon poem)

I remember my friends asking me for a break to just breath. With that I gave my all time big time breather…then I went back to work. I was supposed to finish something that I really cannot finish…so why am I finishing it in the first place…maybe because I hope that it can be done.

Its not actually the first time that I did that..you stick to something because basically you know..you hope for the best..that things will get better. If there’s something good about that I guess its just good to know that despite of everything that happened to me part of me is still optimistic. Well, there goes the child in me. I want to keep that child alive no matter what happens.

To make sure that child is alive, I really try to assess the things that bring me down. Are they worth it??? I still do have that ego in me but I really do my best to tame that. I make sure that whatever pain I may feel is worth feeling. I just let go or let some pains in my life pass especially the petty pains (“I am the best” pains, “I am the most likeable” pains, and “I gave this and I should get that” pain) to make sure I still get that child alive.

Don’t get me wrong. Its not easy, I am still working on it. I have not handled lots of things well in life hehehe..still need a lot of growing up to do. Life is a struggle. Long Live ME! LONG Live struggle!

just kidding..

Besides, Life is fun and of course exciting. You have no idea what may come up. For the past year, I became consciously aware of the surprises. Everything was a blast…way beyond what I expected. Life was never the same. This year, I am up to whatever life will bring me. I expect a stomach turning roller coaster ride kind of year this year. WUUHOO!!!

hey, enough said..back to work.

I start my day here at work greeting the guard then I go to the restroom to check how I look. If I do look normal, I go straight to my table, unload my stuff, sit, greet friends if they are not busy and flip my footprints calendar.

The footprints is actually one of the best gifts I received from a good friend.(My former manager and swimming buddy..Ms. Mimi). OK! OK! OK! I admit it was not really gift. I gave hints first that I wanted it then, it came to me as a gift. Maybe she thought I deserved it because I always borrow it from her or check on it daily even if its not mine. Hehehe..honestly, I really wanted it.

After months of using it, I realized yes, I deserve to have it. I never missed flipping it and reading it on the right date except for one time. It was really unexpected to the point that I really can’t believe that I missed flipping it. I had to think about what went wrong during the day that I missed it..yeah..I recall, there was a client visit. It was that unusual.

I have this weird policy that I am not supposed to check messages coming from dates other than today. If it is a friday, I can check the messages for saturday and sunday. I got this fascination with this thing when I was really sad then, this became my oasis in my some sort of desert. I didn’t lose that feeling of needing to read it even if I am all happy now.

I started the day thinking it was the 15th. I got a message that I really needed for the day. When my friends told me its just the 14th, I was able to breath better because I still have time to complete tasks before my deadline.I had to flip back to 14th. As the day went on though, I was thinking..no I should flip it to 15. I needed to see the message since I needed it for the day. I’ll have lots of March 15 days from now on. Things for me right now maybe getting tougher and tougher but I hold on to my March 15 message and now, I end my days smiling.

Here’s the message:

Be thankful if you have a job a little harder than you like – a razor can’t be sharpened on a piece of velvet.

Even if my parents want me to sleep instead of jotting everything I want to say here in this blog, i still do write. I am never disobedient but I had to write whatever comes up as if there is a sense of urgency on my part.  Believe me..when I think of something to write, I jot the topic down in a scratch paper. I am hoping that I won’t forget a point I want to raise. Its like part of me needs to write them all down here because if I do not get to do that I will most probably miss it…lose it. Its like I am a toothpaste that needs to just empty up everything to the smallest amount of paste you can get out of me…squeezing the tube until every amount of anything in this tube is used up. I have squeezed all of my today…I don’t know what to write about tomorrow.

Come to think of it, I am not even sure if people do read my blog..imagine who will actually have the time to read everything I want to say..everything I observe and everything I have learned. My blog is all words, too long in fact…I don’t even get to make it creative or attractive for people to make them check my blog on a regular basis. I do not actually have the time to put pictures really or be artistic. I just need to write everything down.

For those who continue to read, Thank You. I am not sure but if it would get boring somehow to just read and read…unless I check on you if you read my blog. Its ok if you don’t read my blog. Its just nice to know that there are still people who do read my blog.I do not write really because I know my friends will read this….not really.

So what keeps me writing? strange huh? I believe that whatever it is that I am writing about now..may not make sense now but there is a possibility that these will make sense in the future. Someone will read all of these and for that person, every single word is a world to them. That’s why in my every writing, I write in such a way that I am able to describe everything the best way I can.

If you don’t want to read my blog..its ok. Everthing won’t be in vain.

I look forward to reading all of these after 20 years. Yes, I am definitely writing for myself.

If it will come…I bet one day someone in the future..they may not yet exist but maybe would love to read my blog and see how their mommy lived her single life.hehehe

Writing for these two people or one of them is more than enough reason for me too keep on going and keep on writing.

So for everyone..keep updating your blog. Don’t lose any lesson you might have learned in life. Pass it on. It doesn’t matter if no one reads it now. Someone will in the future and for sure you will not regret a single minute writing everything. Keep on writing.

I just had this weird dream… 

I opened my eyes and checked the clock, its 3:24 am. I tried to really focus on getting the sleep I need. I know I should sleep so that I can get over the jet lag but still I had a hard time doing so. I decided to wake up and try to do something…whatever it is. I made sure I didn’t wake my sister up as I left the room. I wanted to watch TV but my brother was sleeping in the living room. It was spring then but it was really cold for me…too cold. 

I had to stop and really check..hey, I am in New Jersey.

I went to my sister’s bathroom and saw all her Nutrisse Garnier products, read them all and checked out what it can do to my crazy wavy hair. I checked out my sister’s lotions in large containers. Her blower, her make up..hmmm I am just finding out what this crazy New York world is doing to my sister.

I was thinking then..Can this world change me now that I will be staying for a month?

To know how this world will change my life, I had to live their life, walk their streets and observe. I was just checking how I can adjust to their ways. I made sure I check the bus stop schedule before I leave the house. When I am in an escalator, I made sure I stay in the right side, the left side are for people in a rush. It was a fun and exciting experience..following new rules and just walking around this too different world.

I was really thinking..How can New York change me?

It was a beautiful experience being in a place where everyone in the world goes there. They are all there different from each other walking on the same streets. I have never seen lots of different people, from different cultures in just one area. I have seen people who are “The Apprentice” kind of girls who strut their way and stlye along the streets. I have seen not so conservative looking girls that seem so proud of who they are. I have seen rocker girls who seem to have fun with life. I have seen asians who dress up in the weirdest way, not having a care in the world. I see people who are heavier in weight and who proudly wears their sexiest clothes.

I see all of them with different identities, personalities and beliefs. It made me look at myself and check who I really am. How should I be described? I tried to think about all the rules I made or the rules that others made for me in deciding who I should become. Are all of these correct? Do they make sense at all in the bigger scale of things? It clearly did make sense when I was in the Philippines..but not here. If I am stuck in the whole Philippine way of thinking..i’d be this crazy girl thinking..”oh my, don’t tell me you just wore that?” or “shocks! don’t do that you look weird”.. or “you are not supposed to wear that because you have to be like this first”..and “you have to be like this”.

Is the me now, the real me? or was I just fitting in the whole time?

I realized that the world is so big just to think about fitting in. There are all kind of people, all different definitions of what it is to be nice, good, pleasing and beautiful. There are different standards and there is no way we can ever fit in in just one worldly standard.  If I had a small world, it would be easy but clearly the world is so huge. Here I am in the middle of New York, realizing straight to my face that fitting in is worthless. 

I really do think that New York has changed me. I was able to explore and understand who I really am. I was able to find this one standard in the world that never changes. I have decided to live my life seeing it clearly in a big world.

I woke up loving myself more, finding my God (the only one I should please in this big big world) and burning all the rules that I have initially made for myself. Wheeww…I love New York.

That’s definitely a hard question to answer. Its funny how all of a sudden, out of nowhere you become curious to find out if your friends are ready… I am actually never prepared to answer that question because I never really think about it. I remember blurting out a response when I was asked but I am not sure if that is what I really feel. I will think about it.

In the first place, how do you really know if you are ready? Sometime people do set boundaries to respond to that questions. Well, in that case, it just means that if you are not yet there (in that specific boundary which you have set) then, you will ignore all possibilities of that experience taking place. It also means that if you are already beyond the boundary which you have set then you should somehow feel a little bad for yourself. If there is something I am sure when I blurted out my response…I did not have that specific boundary.

So, how should I know? hmmm…Should situations you are in matter in your decision? Should the relationships you have with the people around you matter in your decision? Should financial resources matter? hmmm…So does it mean that I would have to wait when I get to do everything I need to do?..So does it mean that I will be ready if I get to have this amount of money in my savings? So I wait for the right time? When clouds are clear? or should I wait till I become nice?

“As if clouds are always clear..as if I am always financially stable..as if I will always have good relationships with everyone around me..As if I will come to a point where I can say I am done with life…as if I will always be nice”

I think the big factor in deciding has nothing to do with the things that happen around me or what I currently have or what I have done. Everything around me changes that is sure. Life is a rollercoaster. Its the “ME  riding the rollercoaster” that I should watch out for.

How do I respond to the changes around me? How do I respond to pain and rejection? How do I respond to the different relationships I have with other people? How do I fight for something? How do I respond to success? Am I the kind of person that allows other things define them everytime they are in different situations? Or is it the other way around? Do I define the things in my life?

hmmm.. so is my response correct? hmmm.. So what is my response? — It doesn’t matter as long as I know that I understand how I should think if I am asked again. “And that’s the bottom line”.

I love so many things about life but if I should choose one thing in the world that I have loved so much. I think that is volleyball…my first love. If there’s something that kept me going in my whole childhood days and teenage days- in school and during summer time here in the village – its definitely volleyball. My whole life then revolved around it.

I remember skipping lunch in school just to attend to volleyball games competing against other sections. I have been the most passionate one in class since I was in Grade 3.  I feel so alive organizing it and just playing it.  I can’t help but be excited for intramurals, organizing all the practices and just thinking about who should play for every set. This thing went on all the way to highschool.

In grade school, we play against different sections. In high school, we compete against different batches. I cannot forget playing in high school because I get to play against my sister. Having to toss coins against my sister in highschool was a weird but funny experience. We compete against each other in court but hey, we share the same bed at night hehehe. We had one super kalaban na batch, the batch between us hehehe. (kahit sino manalo sa min wag lang yung batch na yon).

During summer, I am still so alive just like my sister. I have been joining village wide all female volleyball tournaments every summer. I am the youngest of all my friends here in the village and yearly we join these tournaments. We wake up very early in the morning so that we can jog and practice since most of the tournaments are done in the evening. Its not that big tournament..in its more sophisticated term, its an INTER – PUROK kind of thing.

I am never the best in the sport but I think that I can say I am the one who loves the sport the most. I remember cheering for the team even if I don’t get to play in any set. Also, I remember getting all the balls during practices when nobody else wants to. I would not mind being the “pulot girl” lots of times for the love of the game. I didn’t mind at all if I will go there to just get the ball for everyone. I would sometimes run even to get the ball to my team mates as fast as I can so as not to ruin the training and routine. That’s how I love the sport. For the whole 10 years of my life, my dedication to the sport is at its all time high.

Then I got off of highschool, college came. It is really a different world. Everything changed  when I entered college. I went on with life as if I never knew the sport and I went on with life with a different me.

Now that I am starting to really think hard about life and seriously find myself, after 8 long years , I am finally in a volleyball team. I joined the team with Erwin (Thank God for Erwin). We were assigned to a team with members who also do not belong to any team. I am one of the oldest though but everyone loved the sport so it was easy to get along with everyone.  The first practice was weird. I tried to volley the ball and it just goes to different directions. hehehe..I am still trying to get things back. Practice the serve and all. hahaha..the older me playing volleyball.  After practice, everyone at work were shocked to see my arms all so swollen and bruised because I had to play again after a long time.  As Ryan said, I was a battered “single” hehehe.

Now that the older me, adult me is playing the sport. I think I am a better player. I have been really listening to the leaders of the team. Appreciating the trainings and practices. I really attend the practices even if I worked overtime the night before. I am more focused. I try to really do my best with the role assigned to me. I think it is because I now know what I lost when I did lose it. Now that I have it back, I am now able to appreciate every moment.

I thought I will never play volleyball again and I am glad I was wrong.There may be different players now, different setting, different rules but it is the same sport anyways. I am really glad I got myself back to playing.

For those reading this, for sure you all have loves of your life. They do not have to be persons. Usually our first loves are never really people.  For sure, we all have passions when we were kids which we just tried to bury and forget…maybe life then did not allow us to pursue these passions. My point is I think it is never too late to bring it back into your lives especially now that we have the resources and the maturity to pursue it. It never really dies I guess no matter how you try to bury it way deep. Your childhood is not different from  the “adult” you. Its still the same YOU. I am glad I got mine back.

PS: My sister and I may have lost men in our lives but we are surely glad we are back to our first love. We share the same first love and we have no problems with it eversince.

O sya sya..Tagalog na para maiba…puro english naman halos lahat e hindi naman ako inglesera.

Nagiisip ako kung pano ko magagawang magcomment yung mga bumabasa ng blog…kasi meron namang nagbabasa pero hindi lahat nagcocomment. Tagabasa lang ba or nahihiya mag comment or walang maicomment. Hindi naman siguro dahil laging english yung topic ko..pede naman magcomment ng tagalog. (hala..pero hindi nga usually pag english ang pagcocommentan..english din ang comment.  Ibahin ko strategy ko(1. Magsulat sa tagalog na madaling commentan..eto na yun 2. Magcomment rin sa iba..cocomment ako sa lahat ng alam kung blog )

May tanong din ako..kailangan ba magpaalam bago ilagay yung blog link ng mga kaibigan sa site ko? Kailangan yata..may friend kasi ako na ayaw. Pero kasi pagnagblog ka syempre free for all na yon..kasi sa website mo dinisplay. Yung iba kung wala yung blog link nyo sa site ko kasi..di pa ko nagpapaalam sa inyo..unless sabihin nyo na ok lang sa inyo. Di ko rin kasi alam kung OK lang. Yung iba..hindi ko pa nilagay kasi hindi nila alam na may blog ako. Yung mga nasa site ko na links for sure, ok lang sa kanila na lagay ko yung blog nila kasi regular bloggers mga yun..except si arwen syempre.

Yun nga..pag yung link mo nasa site ng marami..marami na ring magvivisit sa site nyo.. So pede na bang lagay yung links nyo sa site ko?

Kailangan ba maraming nagbabasa ng blog para blog na blog talaga sya. Pano kung isa lang nagbabasa ng blog mo..(hahha ako lang rin pala..) hindi na sya blog?

hay salamat..stress released from a long day. sarap mag blog.(kadiri hehehe)