Nala’s whisper

as promised

a gift…

happy birthday aldrin

thanks for making my friend leah happy

A Make Up Artist…

Or a..

In my years of blogging..I actually talk about two phases in my life. The before and the after..the defining moment is most probably that part where I got my heart broken. Yes, its true I did change a lot..there was a different me before and a different me after. Its surprising to know though that currently, I am no longer the “after me”. I became somebody else. Not exactly..the “after me”…not exactly the “before me” but one thing is for sure..Its somebody else.

“Before me” is actually an innocent one…idealistic..egotistic..controling, insecure and not open to change. “After me” is a rebel of “before me”…open to change, open to mess, open to things not going my way, stronger, goes with the flow of the not so nice side of life, happy despite the way things are, secured and more mature as they say.

“Before me” is familiar to almost everyone. People sometimes know they are the “before me” at this particular time. Before me needs to get a mind blowing experience..needs a shake..needs a stab at the heart at one point of the other, a wake up call or a  just anything to get their feet on the ground. The earlier the better.

“After me”…this is the tricky part because the “after me” thinks they are perfect. They are the calm before the storm…the diamond..the pearl. The way they think so..they are. Well, they absolutely deserve to see theirselves that way, besides they have been through a lot. They deserve all the credit for just standing up from the muddiest of all placest. They have seen the lowest of low and they are now picking theirselves up. I will tell you a secret though, both are scared to death. They just don’t show it.

There’s something tricky about the after me. For “after me”, you try to do things opposite of the “before me”, whether its right or wrong, it didn’t work out before so its most probably the wrong thing to do. There’s this feeling of growing..feeling that you are on track…you are finally getting it. Believe me, they are getting it that’s for sure. Experience tells them so. However, just going the opposite direction is not always the right direction.

In the end, i guess its still is an experiment of finding that right direction, right equilibrium. Going all left when you did turn all right before might not put you to the best place you deserve. I’m glad I did not push myself from going into a relationship at that time, I would do all left for sure. I could have messed it up. Its true though that at that time, I know better than “before me” but that’s it. I just know better than “before me” but I might not end up happy in the end.

I think that only way for me to be a better me than “after me” is just to get that rebel out of the picture. To be a better than after me..is not to be after me. To remove that fear of making wrong choices again and fear of being “before me” again. Its not easy to do that in split second. its not even just a decision. It takes a lot of healing, forgiveness and time. Time is a friend for anyone who went through the worst in life. Time is my friend.

This time, I am a friend of “before me” and a friend of “after me”. I take in parts of “before me”, parts of the “after me” and parts of something else.  This should be better in finding my right direction..my equilibrium. In the end, you never really stop growing, never really stop changing. Its never just a two phase story of a before and after of a broken heart.

In the end, the defining moment in my life that I used to see before..no longer becomes a defining moment. I used to have this feeling that everything started because of the broken heart. It was an important moment though for me to start living. It was a trigger but my choices no longer has something to do with that.

I just cringe every time I see clearly how “after me” writes in my blog…it was so her all the time even if there is a clear effort not to show it.